When you become a parent, it seems like everyone suddenly has a world of advice for you. People will give you tips on everything from getting your baby to sleep properly to the best way to send your grown kids to college. Almost all of that advice is backed by the best of intentions, and some of it is truly useful. How do you know which advice to take and which to gracefully ignore?
My first child was very cuddly. He refused to be put down and sleep on his own. Every book, doctor, nurse, relative, and friend said not to co-sleep because of the danger of rolling on your child. This made sense, especially since my husband and I are both pretty active sleepers. However, the lack of sleep was taking a huge toll on us. We desperately needed rest but did not want to endanger our child. So, we tried all of the advice: crying it out, swaddling, jiggling, swinging, singing, and planting dirty t-shirts in his crib. I even crawled into the crib with him and wedged myself into what was by far the most uncomfortable sleeping position I have ever experienced. On the upside, there was no physical way I could have rolled onto my peacefully sleeping baby. Unfortunately, I did not sleep, and I had many fun aches and pains the next day. None of the advice worked, and we were both more exhausted by the day.
Finally, we decided to ignore the mountain of advice and stick with what worked in our most desperate moments. I slept in a recliner, which was comfortable but quite effectively limited my movement, and used a swaddle along with firm pillows to hold my son in place against my belly and chest. He was calm and secure, and I didn’t need to worry about rolling on or dropping him. When I tell people about this, many comment on what a terrible idea it was. In reality, it worked well to keep us both safe and rested. After a while, we were able to get him to sleep in his crib, and life moved on.
It was my first and biggest lesson that it was completely acceptable to find my own solutions. The advice I had been given was not flawed or bad, it just did not work for us. The next, and just as important, lesson was that difficult situations are temporary. There is nothing wrong with finding a way to make it through a phase until a more ideal solution is possible. Sleeping in the recliner was a relatively short phase, and then I went back to stretching out in my bed. (Well, as much as I could stretch out with my beloved bed-hogging husband.)
That experience was an important moment for me as a new parent. I gained the first drop of confidence in my own ability as a mother along with my first understanding that I can listen gracefully to advice that I will not be taking. Over time, I learned to rely on my ability to know myself and my children and to then use that understanding to be the mother they really need. Of course, taking everyone’s safety and well-being into account is essential. If you’re doing that and meeting everyone’s needs, you really can not go wrong. Do not let yourself get caught up in the “should, can’t, or don’t” of your situation. Fully ignore the unkind advice and feedback. Take the kind advice into consideration as a potential solution, but choose based on the needs of your family. Just trust yourself, and do your best.
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