Stress

Hey America, What Do I Tell My Kids?

Last week, I watched as Trump supporters marched on the United States Capitol Building. I heard some of the speech made to the crowd by Donald Trump, and I saw the ensuing events unfold over the next couple of hours and into the evening. My kids have many questions, and I’m finding it necessary to do some serious reflecting before I start answering those questions. Maybe you’re like me and find yourself wondering exactly what to say to your kids about America and patriotism, Trump and politicians, conservatism and liberalism. You don’t have to move too far into these topics to start delving into ideals, opinions, values, morals, beliefs, and personality. It’s obvious the problems facing our country, that our kids will need to actively help solve if America is to survive, are complex and deeply-rooted.

The events and behaviors last week were shocking, but I can’t say they were surprising. The levels of division and hatred have been increasing rapidly for the past four years, but they were both there at some level for many years before Trump took office. There have been countless indicators of our political and societal problems for decades. Instead of working together to find common ground and solutions that bring our people together, we have allowed the division to grow into a gaping chasm. While special interests and corruption have absolutely played a tremendous role in this, we the people also missed opportunities to cooperate, make our leaders accountable for their actions, and become a stronger nation.

I certainly can’t tell my kids that they are able to solve these problems on their own, and I’m aware much of the desperation and anger people feel now stems from lack of control over our own situations and lives. As much as I would love to give them simple answers to fix the giant problems, I honestly can not do that. The best I can do is to help them develop skills to interact with those around them constructively instead of destructively.

1. Listen

The great ideal behind democracy is that we can solve problems through collaboration and cooperation, but this involves giving everyone involved in the conversation a voice. It’s clear to me that this very basic concept of democracy is not happening, and it became especially clear when one of the “protesters” stated in an interview that a riot is a group of people who feel that their voices are not being heard. I would begin my conversation with the kids by reminding them to listen. The man in that interview did many things wrong that are indefensible. He may well be charged with multiple felonies and imprisoned for them, but he had one thing right. We have a responsibility to listen to people around us. In any disagreement, the other person might be absolutely wrong, and you don’t have to like hearing their thoughts. You don’t have to agree with them. However, it is the height of arrogance and disrespect to behave as if your opinion is the only one that matters and you are always right.

2. Be Honest (With Yourself, Too)

That brings me to the second issue I want my kids to understand. Lying creates problems. The big issue that people were protesting last week is alleged voter fraud prevalent to such a degree that it altered the outcome of the presidential election. There have been lawsuits, recounts, and phone calls of questionable legality to change the results. In reality, there are some stringent protocols for ensuring election integrity. Could any of those have been breached? Of course. Officials have stated that there is always some fraud in every election, but is the fraud so widespread that the election result is incorrect? Obviously, one high-level group of people is lying. This, in itself, would be a major problem. When introduced into society that was already heavily divided, it resulted in catastrophe.

The past two presidential elections have both featured allegations of tampering and fraud. As taxpayers, we have a vested interest in the outcomes of elections, and no one wants to feel that the vote was unfair. This year, Trump supporters are unwilling to hear and accept explanations and assurances from election officials, even those from Republican officials. Dozens of lawsuits were either lost or dismissed by the court system, with judges of varying political background presiding over the cases. In 2016, many people felt that Russia had interfered and tampered with the election. However, ensuing investigations did not substantiate the claims that the election outcome was incorrect.

In the debate over the 2020 election, one of the opposing groups is basing their beliefs on something that is untrue. Unfortunately, all people are sometimes wrong. At the same time, people generally really hate to be wrong, and some will go to great lengths to avoid admitting a mistake. You can be an otherwise reasonable, kind, decent human and still end up believing something that isn’t true with a veracity that ultimately does damage. I want my kids to understand it is never to their benefit (or anyone’s for that matter) to feel so deeply they must be right that they are unable to even consider evidence which indicates they are wrong.

3. Your Truth May Not Match The Truth

Each of us has a personal truth that is fluid and changes as we mature. I would like my kids to know and embrace their own truth so that they can be genuine as they go about life. There are also external truths that we can refer to as material fact. These are things that are true no matter our own level of growth and maturity. For example: sometimes water condenses in the atmosphere and falls as rain. This is a material fact, and you can’t say a rainy day is actually sunny just because you have hard time handling rainy days. In an election, there is a winner and there is a loser. Sometimes your candidate will win and sometimes the other candidate will win. No is is happy with the outcome of every election, but feeling deeply that the outcome is wrong doesn’t make it factually wrong. I’m hoping my kids understand that when their personal truth doesn’t line up with material fact, they need to spend some time growing instead of being angry or making up falsehoods to explain away the mismatch.

4. Be Graceful and Respectful

Have you spent any time reading comments on facebook or twitter? I was doing that just before writing this article. The things people write to others are shockingly rude. Before you start dismissing the person on the other side of the keyboard as a horrible human being, let me share a quick story from my life. I have a neighbor who is a wonderful, generous woman. Her kids play with my kids and we exchange small gifts and goodies throughout the year. I’ve know her for over a decade, and she has never been rude to me on even a single occasion. I was astounded upon reading political comments from her on social media that were rude, judgmental, and dismissive. I don’t believe she is a different person online, but I do think that it’s easy for people to minimize the feelings of others and allow the worst sides of ourselves to come roaring out, especially when our interactions are filtered through screens and we can’t see the impact of our words.

My kids are on the young side for social media, but you can be certain I’ll teach them that there are real people on the other sides of those screens. Those people have vast differences in personal growth and life experience, and they all deserve to be respected. People are allowed their beliefs and opinions, and it is wrong to belittle others even when they are having trouble accepting material fact and being obnoxious, rude, or both. In reality, responding with cutting and degrading remarks will not help them understand or grow. Instead, they will only dig in deeper and likely become even more obnoxious.

Another major idea I want to convey to my kids is the damage of name calling. This schoolyard behavior is alarmingly common among adults who should have learned better before entering high school. The list of denigrating nicknames is endless, as far as I can tell: snowflake, sheeple, deplorable, libtard, repubtard, sleepy joe, diaper don. A cute or funny nickname for a close friend or family member that will give you both a laugh is perfectly acceptable. However, there are no benefits in calling other people nasty names.

Finally, I’ll remind them that a graceless winner is just as bad as a sore loser. When we play board games at home, there are obviously winners and losers. I’ve pointed out to them over the years that losing doesn’t feel good, but having someone rub it in makes it feel worse. We have much more fun when we can congratulate an opponent on a game well played and remember that we’ll have a chance to win another time. After all, it’s family time. Likewise, it’s important to remember that political opponents are ultimately all still on the same team. The officials we elect will have an impact on the lives of everyone. I honestly think it is counterproductive to even declare that there are sides in the first place. At the end of the day, we need our elected officials to work together.

5. Think For Yourself

In thread after thread of comments about election fraud, I’ve noticed one phrase presented to Trump supporters more than any other. Where is the proof of election fraud? This is a fair question. Further, I think the evidence would have to be clear and undeniable to overturn election results. Speculation and hearsay are just not good enough. Unfortunately, whatever media outlet a person happens to prefer is not good enough either. Media companies (yes, all of them) get paid more when more people consume their stories, and they are all getting paid far too much these days. The problem is, their stories don’t have to be even half true, and their concern for people ends where the money ends. So, what about internet sources? These are just as bad. Anyone can put anything on the internet anonymously, and falsified documents, pictures, and videos can be made to appear legitimate. There are few dependable sources of information out there.

I’ve been telling my kids for a while now they can’t just believe everything they see on the internet. As they get older and need access to more complicated information, I’ll continue to ask about their sources. They will be betting their grades and eventually their livelihood on the reliability of the data they choose to believe and use in their work. I’m hoping they will seek first hand information or at least obtain it from a person or organization they are certain is credible. Then I’ll ask them to take that information and draw their own conclusions. Discussing your ideas and comparing them with others’ ideas is great, but I hope they will make up their own minds.

6. You are Responsible For Your Actions

The people involved in unlawfully entering the Capitol Building last week may be facing very serious charges. At the very least, they entered a protected Federal Building against police order without security screening. They assaulted officers, threatened elected officials, vandalized the property, illegally accessed government computers and potentially sensitive documents, and stole mail and other Federal property. They are now at risk of being charged with insurrection, sedition, and/or treason for interference with official Federal business and trying to overthrow a democratically elected government. Worse, six people involved that day are now dead.

These actions were born of frustration and anger. It’s easy to see they truly believe the election was fraudulent. I don’t have any first hand knowledge, so I will make no assertions about the validity of election fraud allegations. In any case, the rioters felt deeply wronged, and they carried out illegal activities from a place of anger and frustration. The consequences may be very high and were, in fact, the highest possible for the dead and the families they leave behind.

Perhaps the lesson I hope to impart to my kids the most is that they will have the consequences of their own actions, whether good or bad, regardless of what has been done to them. It isn’t valid to do something awful and then point your finger at someone else, complaining about what they did or said that forced your hand. I know I’m not the only person taught as a kid that “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Later, I learned the quote attributed to Epictetus: “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.” Of course, anger is normal and I don’t want my kids to feel they aren’t entitled to feel that emotion. However, I will teach them not to act out of anger so they don’t end up getting into the kind of trouble the rioters are now facing.

The riots last week and the upcoming ones the intelligence community are warning of are deeply unsettling and highlight how drastically our country divided. Most people lives lives based on reasonable ideals, but greed and corruption are real. We in America seem to feel that if we fight, it is to uphold our righteous truths, but there is plenty of fighting for things that are untrue or unjust but that are simply profitable. It is critical that people start recognizing the corruption and not just failing to fight it but to work together so that it can be eliminated. For that to happen, the information we get must be evaluated critically instead of accepted or rejected based on feelings or wants. At present, it’s hard to see a way out of this level of division when people are turning to violence, but if we can be thoughtful and respectful of others, it’s possible. In the meantime, perhaps we can teach our children to work together better than we have so that they can prevent a similar crisis in the future.

January 15, 2021

by : Norah Whitten Intuition, Stress

Some Friendly Advice

When you become a parent, it seems like everyone suddenly has a world of advice for you. People will give you tips on everything from getting your baby to sleep properly to the best way to send your grown kids to college. Almost all of that advice is backed by the best of intentions, and some of it is truly useful. How do you know which advice to take and which to gracefully ignore?

My first child was very cuddly. He refused to be put down and sleep on his own. Every book, doctor, nurse, relative, and friend said not to co-sleep because of the danger of rolling on your child. This made sense, especially since my husband and I are both pretty active sleepers. However, the lack of sleep was taking a huge toll on us. We desperately needed rest but did not want to endanger our child. So, we tried all of the advice: crying it out, swaddling, jiggling, swinging, singing, and planting dirty t-shirts in his crib. I even crawled into the crib with him and wedged myself into what was by far the most uncomfortable sleeping position I have ever experienced. On the upside, there was no physical way I could have rolled onto my peacefully sleeping baby. Unfortunately, I did not sleep, and I had many fun aches and pains the next day. None of the advice worked, and we were both more exhausted by the day.

Finally, we decided to ignore the mountain of advice and stick with what worked in our most desperate moments. I slept in a recliner, which was comfortable but quite effectively limited my movement, and used a swaddle along with firm pillows to hold my son in place against my belly and chest. He was calm and secure, and I didn’t need to worry about rolling on or dropping him. When I tell people about this, many comment on what a terrible idea it was. In reality, it worked well to keep us both safe and rested. After a while, we were able to get him to sleep in his crib, and life moved on.

It was my first and biggest lesson that it was completely acceptable to find my own solutions. The advice I had been given was not flawed or bad, it just did not work for us. The next, and just as important, lesson was that difficult situations are temporary. There is nothing wrong with finding a way to make it through a phase until a more ideal solution is possible. Sleeping in the recliner was a relatively short phase, and then I went back to stretching out in my bed. (Well, as much as I could stretch out with my beloved bed-hogging husband.)

That experience was an important moment for me as a new parent. I gained the first drop of confidence in my own ability as a mother along with my first understanding that I can listen gracefully to advice that I will not be taking. Over time, I learned to rely on my ability to know myself and my children and to then use that understanding to be the mother they really need. Of course, taking everyone’s safety and well-being into account is essential. If you’re doing that and meeting everyone’s needs, you really can not go wrong. Do not let yourself get caught up in the “should, can’t, or don’t” of your situation. Fully ignore the unkind advice and feedback. Take the kind advice into consideration as a potential solution, but choose based on the needs of your family. Just trust yourself, and do your best.

April 20, 2020

by : Norah Whitten Intuition, Stress

Breaking Chains

There is nothing like parenthood to emphasize how much we are becoming like our parents as we get older. I remember making a comment about my daughter, and as I was speaking, I knew that the words were exactly some that my mother would have said. Then as soon as I had finished saying them, I wondered why I had even said that. Those words did not reflect, even remotely, the way I generally think and feel. It was shocking to realize how deeply the things we hear as a child can persist even if we don’t want them to. They are like the weeds in my flower garden. If I don’t keep plucking them out, root and all, they will grow up right next to the beautiful flowers I spend time cultivating.

The impact our parents have on us is huge. Study after study shows that kids who experience neglect, abuse, and abandonment are more likely to subject others, particularly their kids, to those same behaviors. In many cases, the adults perpetuating those damaging behaviors do not realize what they are doing or they lack the skills needed to correct their own actions.

Sometimes when people get older, they recognize their past mistakes and feel remorse. My mother, for example, has apologized and said she just did the things she learned when she was growing up and never really thought about it until after it was far too late to fix anything. Instead of doing what she really wanted, she acted out of learned patterns and instincts. Many potential reasons for this have been suggested, and I suspect there are combinations of factors involved for most people. Whatever the reasons, the net result is that we often do exactly what we were taught to do, even if it will produce unwanted consequences.

As a result, the things parents teach their kids are passed from generation to generation whether good or bad. In the case of hurtful actions, the damage passes down until someone decides to break the pattern. I believe that the vast majority of people would never want to hurt another person the same way they have been hurt, but that is exactly what happens. I also believe that these bad patterns do not have to be perpetuated. We can be better parents than the ones we had, and you can see cases where that occurs. Sometimes an abused kid decides not to become an alcoholic like his dad or a neglected kid realizes that she needs to give her kids the attention and love she didn’t receive.

For me, the key was to have a plan. That’s tricky because every kid is unique and every parent is unique. The dynamics of relationships can not be predicted, and they change constantly as we all learn and grow. While some parenting books can be helpful, there is no comprehensive manual for how to navigate parenthood in light of the complicated dynamics. So when I thought about my parenting plan, I tried to remember the things from my childhood that had especially long-lasting effects or that undermined my developing self-confidence and decided to target those behaviors. The main things that I identified were: being disciplined out of frustration and anger, having my perspective devalued, never hearing my parents say sorry, and lack of rational conversation. I will do posts on each of these topics individually, but here I’ll talk about them in more general terms just to emphasize my process.

The first and biggest thing I wanted to change was how to do discipline. I experienced discipline from a place of anger and frustration. What I mean by that is my parents had a tendency to yell and spank without really imparting a lesson. As a result, I learned fear and unquestioning obedience when what I really needed was to be taught about appropriate behavior, learn respect, and have questions answered. In order to change the pattern, I understood that I would have to learn to control my temper and think about effective discipline, or I was likely to follow suit. I learned to take those deep breaths everyone talks about and give myself a little time to react. Admittedly, these few sentences make it sound easy. In reality, the concept is amazingly simple, but the application is exceptionally challenging. It has taken awareness and thoughtfulness to make this change because I have to reign in my temper, and that is not an easy task.

I was fairly young when I stopped asking questions of my parents. Frequently, the response would be along the lines of either: “You are just a kid, so you don’t understand.” or “Well, life isn’t fair.” Both were very devaluing. The first essentially meant that my perspective as a kid was not valid, so my question was not worth answering. The second meant that my parents had no intention of being a safe haven from the big, bad world, and I could not expect fair treatment from them. I felt very alone and as though my thoughts and feelings did not matter, something I do not want for my kids. It occurred to me that it is important to recognize that they are individual people. They may be small, lack maturity, and dependent, but they have their own unique thoughts and feelings, and they deserve to matter. So I decided to listen, answer their questions, and be a safe place for them. Yes, I do have to explain that the world isn’t fair and that sometimes they don’t understand, but they can feel loved and safe in the process.

When I was growing up, sorry seemed to be a dirty word in the house. Mistakes were harshly punished and never admitted. Growing up in an environment where perfection was expected and where adults were correct by virtue of being ‘older and wiser’ was, to put it mildly, very stressful and hurtful. The obvious lesson for me was that it is important to take responsibility for my mistakes and to apologize to the kids when I get something wrong. Of course, this is essential for any good relationship, not just in parenting. Unfortunately, people don’t like the taste of crow, and it is even harder having grown up feeling like mistakes are unacceptable. It has been a process, but I tell the kids that I am not perfect, and I focus on helping them see that mistakes are learning opportunities as opposed to being shameful and devaluing.

I often heard the phrase: “because I said so.” Now, I know this one may not seem like a very big deal, but I think it can be, especially if it is the default answer to questions kids ask. My parents issued commands and made decrees that didn’t make sense to me at all, and since I was unable to ask questions, I became very rebellious. Fortunately, I am the kind of person that doesn’t like trouble, so my rebellion was generally the quiet variety. In all honesty, I feared my parents but had absolutely no respect for them, the the concept of meaningful communication was entirely impossible. In looking at this, I knew I wanted much better communications with my kids, so I decided to avoid the “I said so” explanation as often as possible. This means that I started explaining rules and requirements to my kids when they were still very little. They did not understand everything by any means, but they did know that they could ask questions and receive explanations. I am not under any delusions that this will stop all rebellion in its tracks, but my goal is for them to learn respect, ask questions, and to think rationally and independently. There are definitely moments when I wish they were not so inclined to ask questions because I get stressed and don’t always feel able to dedicate the time to answering them. I have told them they need to be a little older before they are ready for an answer, and I have told them I don’t have time to answer at that moment. However, I will always make an effort to get back to the question. I prefer they get their information from me than from friends or the internet, anyway.

Overall, it seemed that I could choose between parenting based on my past experiences or with thought about what I wished to accomplish as a parent. I’m sure it is clear from my descriptions that it is not the easiest process and requires a thoughtful plan before you really need it. When you are angry, frustrated, confused, and stressed, it is easy to be reactive and hard to be rational and see the larger end goal. The forethought and work are definitely worth it, though. Once the stressful situation dies down, you will know you are working to build your kids up instead of making life harder for them. This in itself can bring a world of peace to your life as a parent.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please feel free to comment below or email me at thepandemonimom@gmail.com.

April 8, 2020

by : Norah Whitten Coronavirus, Stress

Parenting in the COVID-19 World

I live in an area where the schools have officially transitioned to distance learning for the remainder of the school year in light of the steadily worsening Coronavirus pandemic. The implications of this did not fully sink in until my husband reminded me that the kids are here all day, every day for the next five months. Furthermore, I suddenly became responsible for ensuring they meet the requirements to complete their school year and succeed in progressing to the next grade level. This is definitely not what parenting was like several weeks ago, and I was feeling less than prepared for the changes. For one thing, I did not keep anywhere near enough school supplies on hand.

The moment that my new reality sank in, our living room was covered from one end to the other in school papers for the kids, their computers, my husband’s papers and computer, and my papers and computer. It looked like someone had haphazardly poured the contents of an office recycle bin across every couch and table with plenty spilling over onto the floor. The peace I normally feel in my home dissolved because disorganization feels itchy and panicky. Apparently, I might be slightly neurotic.

Fortunately, my most useful mantra happens to be “panic does not solve problems.” So, I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths, and reminded myself to not panic. I spent some time thinking about what my new schedule would look like and tried to prioritize the needs. In this case, it was obvious that the kids required some supplies for organization, so I immediately ordered a supply of paper and file folders. It was amazing how much better I felt just knowing the materials needed to bring order to all that chaos were on the way. Moving step-wise through my new list of tasks now seemed at least manageable.

For many of us, reality just drastically changed. Even for anyone whose days are mostly similar to what they were a month ago, there is an added component of uncertainty and the knowledge that the days could be upended very soon. This is not the type of situation people predict and prepare for well. Scientists have been saying for many years that there will be more pandemics, but our level of preparedness given this knowledge is marginal. I have taken many classes and been to numerous lectures about pandemics, and I am caught unprepared, too.

The learning curve on this is steep. We are required to immediately adapt all of our planning, shopping, cleaning, time management, and childcare to match the current health crisis. Of course, there are plenty of complications, like supply shortages and internet connections that are slower than usual. Not to mention having a plan in the event you or a family member contracts Coronavirus and becomes sick.

All you parents who are struggling and feel like you are not getting things right, take a deep breath. Do not panic. You are doing your best. Take the challenges one step at a time. If you get it wrong, learn and try again. You have never been here before, and you deserve some leeway for a mistake or two (or three). Keeping your family healthy and fed in the midst of this pandemic is more than enough. Maybe if we can move beyond the other stresses and being stir-crazy, we can take some of this time to enjoy a slower pace of life for a little while. Things will eventually get back to being normal, and our kids will once again be over-scheduled. For now, enjoy the extra rest and time with your family as much as you can.

March 30, 2020