When you become a parent, it seems like everyone suddenly has a world of advice for you. People will give you tips on everything from getting your baby to sleep properly to the best way to send your grown kids to college. Almost all of that advice is backed by the best of intentions, and some of it is truly useful. How do you know which advice to take and which to gracefully ignore?
My first child was very cuddly. He refused to be put down and sleep on his own. Every book, doctor, nurse, relative, and friend said not to co-sleep because of the danger of rolling on your child. This made sense, especially since my husband and I are both pretty active sleepers. However, the lack of sleep was taking a huge toll on us. We desperately needed rest but did not want to endanger our child. So, we tried all of the advice: crying it out, swaddling, jiggling, swinging, singing, and planting dirty t-shirts in his crib. I even crawled into the crib with him and wedged myself into what was by far the most uncomfortable sleeping position I have ever experienced. On the upside, there was no physical way I could have rolled onto my peacefully sleeping baby. Unfortunately, I did not sleep, and I had many fun aches and pains the next day. None of the advice worked, and we were both more exhausted by the day.
Finally, we decided to ignore the mountain of advice and stick with what worked in our most desperate moments. I slept in a recliner, which was comfortable but quite effectively limited my movement, and used a swaddle along with firm pillows to hold my son in place against my belly and chest. He was calm and secure, and I didn’t need to worry about rolling on or dropping him. When I tell people about this, many comment on what a terrible idea it was. In reality, it worked well to keep us both safe and rested. After a while, we were able to get him to sleep in his crib, and life moved on.
It was my first and biggest lesson that it was completely acceptable to find my own solutions. The advice I had been given was not flawed or bad, it just did not work for us. The next, and just as important, lesson was that difficult situations are temporary. There is nothing wrong with finding a way to make it through a phase until a more ideal solution is possible. Sleeping in the recliner was a relatively short phase, and then I went back to stretching out in my bed. (Well, as much as I could stretch out with my beloved bed-hogging husband.)
That experience was an important moment for me as a new parent. I gained the first drop of confidence in my own ability as a mother along with my first understanding that I can listen gracefully to advice that I will not be taking. Over time, I learned to rely on my ability to know myself and my children and to then use that understanding to be the mother they really need. Of course, taking everyone’s safety and well-being into account is essential. If you’re doing that and meeting everyone’s needs, you really can not go wrong. Do not let yourself get caught up in the “should, can’t, or don’t” of your situation. Fully ignore the unkind advice and feedback. Take the kind advice into consideration as a potential solution, but choose based on the needs of your family. Just trust yourself, and do your best.
There is nothing like parenthood to emphasize how much we are becoming like our parents as we get older. I remember making a comment about my daughter, and as I was speaking, I knew that the words were exactly some that my mother would have said. Then as soon as I had finished saying them, I wondered why I had even said that. Those words did not reflect, even remotely, the way I generally think and feel. It was shocking to realize how deeply the things we hear as a child can persist even if we don’t want them to. They are like the weeds in my flower garden. If I don’t keep plucking them out, root and all, they will grow up right next to the beautiful flowers I spend time cultivating.
The impact our parents have on us is huge. Study after study shows that kids who experience neglect, abuse, and abandonment are more likely to subject others, particularly their kids, to those same behaviors. In many cases, the adults perpetuating those damaging behaviors do not realize what they are doing or they lack the skills needed to correct their own actions.
Sometimes when people get older, they recognize their past mistakes and feel remorse. My mother, for example, has apologized and said she just did the things she learned when she was growing up and never really thought about it until after it was far too late to fix anything. Instead of doing what she really wanted, she acted out of learned patterns and instincts. Many potential reasons for this have been suggested, and I suspect there are combinations of factors involved for most people. Whatever the reasons, the net result is that we often do exactly what we were taught to do, even if it will produce unwanted consequences.
As a result, the things parents teach their kids are passed from generation to generation whether good or bad. In the case of hurtful actions, the damage passes down until someone decides to break the pattern. I believe that the vast majority of people would never want to hurt another person the same way they have been hurt, but that is exactly what happens. I also believe that these bad patterns do not have to be perpetuated. We can be better parents than the ones we had, and you can see cases where that occurs. Sometimes an abused kid decides not to become an alcoholic like his dad or a neglected kid realizes that she needs to give her kids the attention and love she didn’t receive.
For me, the key was to have a plan. That’s tricky because every kid is unique and every parent is unique. The dynamics of relationships can not be predicted, and they change constantly as we all learn and grow. While some parenting books can be helpful, there is no comprehensive manual for how to navigate parenthood in light of the complicated dynamics. So when I thought about my parenting plan, I tried to remember the things from my childhood that had especially long-lasting effects or that undermined my developing self-confidence and decided to target those behaviors. The main things that I identified were: being disciplined out of frustration and anger, having my perspective devalued, never hearing my parents say sorry, and lack of rational conversation. I will do posts on each of these topics individually, but here I’ll talk about them in more general terms just to emphasize my process.
The first and biggest thing I wanted to change was how to do discipline. I experienced discipline from a place of anger and frustration. What I mean by that is my parents had a tendency to yell and spank without really imparting a lesson. As a result, I learned fear and unquestioning obedience when what I really needed was to be taught about appropriate behavior, learn respect, and have questions answered. In order to change the pattern, I understood that I would have to learn to control my temper and think about effective discipline, or I was likely to follow suit. I learned to take those deep breaths everyone talks about and give myself a little time to react. Admittedly, these few sentences make it sound easy. In reality, the concept is amazingly simple, but the application is exceptionally challenging. It has taken awareness and thoughtfulness to make this change because I have to reign in my temper, and that is not an easy task.
I was fairly young when I stopped asking questions of my parents. Frequently, the response would be along the lines of either: “You are just a kid, so you don’t understand.” or “Well, life isn’t fair.” Both were very devaluing. The first essentially meant that my perspective as a kid was not valid, so my question was not worth answering. The second meant that my parents had no intention of being a safe haven from the big, bad world, and I could not expect fair treatment from them. I felt very alone and as though my thoughts and feelings did not matter, something I do not want for my kids. It occurred to me that it is important to recognize that they are individual people. They may be small, lack maturity, and dependent, but they have their own unique thoughts and feelings, and they deserve to matter. So I decided to listen, answer their questions, and be a safe place for them. Yes, I do have to explain that the world isn’t fair and that sometimes they don’t understand, but they can feel loved and safe in the process.
When I was growing up, sorry seemed to be a dirty word in the house. Mistakes were harshly punished and never admitted. Growing up in an environment where perfection was expected and where adults were correct by virtue of being ‘older and wiser’ was, to put it mildly, very stressful and hurtful. The obvious lesson for me was that it is important to take responsibility for my mistakes and to apologize to the kids when I get something wrong. Of course, this is essential for any good relationship, not just in parenting. Unfortunately, people don’t like the taste of crow, and it is even harder having grown up feeling like mistakes are unacceptable. It has been a process, but I tell the kids that I am not perfect, and I focus on helping them see that mistakes are learning opportunities as opposed to being shameful and devaluing.
I often heard the phrase: “because I said so.” Now, I know this one may not seem like a very big deal, but I think it can be, especially if it is the default answer to questions kids ask. My parents issued commands and made decrees that didn’t make sense to me at all, and since I was unable to ask questions, I became very rebellious. Fortunately, I am the kind of person that doesn’t like trouble, so my rebellion was generally the quiet variety. In all honesty, I feared my parents but had absolutely no respect for them, the the concept of meaningful communication was entirely impossible. In looking at this, I knew I wanted much better communications with my kids, so I decided to avoid the “I said so” explanation as often as possible. This means that I started explaining rules and requirements to my kids when they were still very little. They did not understand everything by any means, but they did know that they could ask questions and receive explanations. I am not under any delusions that this will stop all rebellion in its tracks, but my goal is for them to learn respect, ask questions, and to think rationally and independently. There are definitely moments when I wish they were not so inclined to ask questions because I get stressed and don’t always feel able to dedicate the time to answering them. I have told them they need to be a little older before they are ready for an answer, and I have told them I don’t have time to answer at that moment. However, I will always make an effort to get back to the question. I prefer they get their information from me than from friends or the internet, anyway.
Overall, it seemed that I could choose between parenting based on my past experiences or with thought about what I wished to accomplish as a parent. I’m sure it is clear from my descriptions that it is not the easiest process and requires a thoughtful plan before you really need it. When you are angry, frustrated, confused, and stressed, it is easy to be reactive and hard to be rational and see the larger end goal. The forethought and work are definitely worth it, though. Once the stressful situation dies down, you will know you are working to build your kids up instead of making life harder for them. This in itself can bring a world of peace to your life as a parent.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please feel free to comment below or email me at thepandemonimom@gmail.com.
I live in an area where the schools
have officially transitioned to distance learning for the remainder
of the school year in light of the steadily worsening Coronavirus
pandemic. The implications of this did not fully sink in until my
husband reminded me that the kids are here all day, every day for the
next five months. Furthermore, I suddenly became responsible for
ensuring they meet the requirements to complete their school year and
succeed in progressing to the next grade level. This is definitely
not what parenting was like several weeks ago, and I was feeling less
than prepared for the changes. For one thing, I did not keep anywhere
near enough school supplies on hand.
The moment that my new reality sank in,
our living room was covered from one end to the other in school
papers for the kids, their computers, my husband’s papers and
computer, and my papers and computer. It looked like someone had
haphazardly poured the contents of an office recycle bin across every
couch and table with plenty spilling over onto the floor. The peace I
normally feel in my home dissolved because disorganization feels
itchy and panicky. Apparently, I might be slightly neurotic.
Fortunately, my most useful mantra
happens to be “panic does not solve problems.” So, I closed my
eyes, took some deep breaths, and reminded myself to not panic. I
spent some time thinking about what my new schedule would look like
and tried to prioritize the needs. In this case, it was obvious that
the kids required some supplies for organization, so I immediately
ordered a supply of paper and file folders. It was amazing how much
better I felt just knowing the materials needed to bring order to
all that chaos were on the way. Moving step-wise through my new list
of tasks now seemed at least manageable.
For many of us, reality just drastically changed. Even for anyone whose days are mostly similar to what they were a month ago, there is an added component of uncertainty and the knowledge that the days could be upended very soon. This is not the type of situation people predict and prepare for well. Scientists have been saying for many years that there will be more pandemics, but our level of preparedness given this knowledge is marginal. I have taken many classes and been to numerous lectures about pandemics, and I am caught unprepared, too.
The learning curve on this is steep. We
are required to immediately adapt all of our planning, shopping,
cleaning, time management, and childcare to match the current health
crisis. Of course, there are plenty of complications, like supply
shortages and internet connections that are slower than usual. Not to
mention having a plan in the event you or a family member contracts
Coronavirus and becomes sick.
All you parents who are struggling and
feel like you are not getting things right, take a deep breath. Do
not panic. You are doing your best. Take the challenges one step at a
time. If you get it wrong, learn and try again. You have never been
here before, and you deserve some leeway for a mistake or two (or
three). Keeping your family healthy and fed in the midst of this
pandemic is more than enough. Maybe if we can move beyond the other
stresses and being stir-crazy, we can take some of this time to enjoy
a slower pace of life for a little while. Things will eventually get
back to being normal, and our kids will once again be over-scheduled.
For now, enjoy the extra rest and time with your family as much as
you can.
The Coronavirus pandemic is certainly
turning life upside down. In our household, the kids are home from
school indefinitely, my husband is teleworking full time, and we are
keeping our ventures out of the house to a minimum. My refereeing
responsibilities have more than doubled and will probably continue to
increase. It is always amazing to me how the kids are kind and
respectful with everyone in the world except each other. (Sadly, my
wardrobe lacks black and white stripes.) I am beyond grateful for the
schoolwork packets that keep them occupied and learning for a couple
of hours each day, giving me some time to do some writing.
Earlier this week, I read an article
about divorce rates spiking in China after couples were forced to
spend more time together. So far, I have no thoughts of killing my
husband, which seems promising. Even so, I am thinking about how
unusual and nice it is to have some extra time with my favorite
person and that this is something to appreciate. Soon enough, he will
be back to commuting and the house will seem very quiet.
Beyond all that is happening in my
personal world, the rest of life seems surreal right now. We are in
the midst of what could be a once-in-a-lifetime type of crisis. When
something like this happens, you see all of the extremes. Some are
panicking and hoarding. Others are going about life like everything
is perfectly normal. I feel like both panic and “head in the sand”
responses are counterproductive, and I try to find the informed,
rational approach. This can be quite an undertaking in our world of
abundant misinformation and changing information.
As it turns out, this particular situation is not so difficult for me. I write under a pen name to respect the privacy of the people I will be writing about: my husband and children in particular, but also extended family and friends. However, my real name includes some credentials, and my fields of expertise are microbiology and genetics. I am not a medical doctor, and will therefore not be providing medical advice, but I do know some things about pathogens like Coronavirus. So, I am going to write for the next few days about the questions I see people asking and the changing information from the scientific community that may seem confusing.
In answering questions, I will
sometimes refer to influenza because it is a virus most people are
familiar with and that causes pandemic disease periodically. I am in
no way suggesting this is just like seasonal flu, as you may have
read elsewhere. It is not, and I will describe some of the reasons
for that in answering questions. Keep in mind, we do have vaccines
and targeted antiviral medications to prevent, minimize, and treat
influenza. The novel Coronavirus currently does not have a vaccine or
treatment. Critically ill patients are treated to minimize their
symptoms and keep their body going while it fights, and hopefully
overcomes, the infection on its own.
Q: How bad is this going to get?
A: No one knows for certain. There are
many factors that determine how severe an outbreak of a new
infectious disease will be. Some of them are:
How easily it spreads from person to person
How frequently it kills an infected person
How long the virus can live in the environment
The incubation period
How long it takes for an infected person to become contagious
The way people respond to prevent spread of the disease
Q: How does Coronavirus spread?
A: There is evidence that this
Coronavirus spreads both by the respiratory route and by indirect
contact. That means the virus can spread if an infected person coughs
or sneezes and someone else inhales some of the droplets that contain
viruses. It can also spread if an infected person touches or sneezes
on an object and someone else touches the same object then rubs some
part of their face so that the virus can get into the eyes, mouth, or
nose. Since we obviously need to breathe, and we have a tendency to
touch our faces much more often than we realize, this virus does
spread quite easily. The current evidence suggests the average person
is more likely to get coronavirus than influenza, so this could
infect a very large number of people.
Q: What is the fatality rate, and
why is there so much uncertainty about it?
The fatality rate is a topic I have
seen discussed quite often and with a large amount of disagreeing and
changing information. The reported fatality rate for COVID-19 is
preliminary. A reliable rate won’t be calculated until the pandemic
has died down. In the meantime, health organizations track a
preliminary fatality rate because it can give us information about
the severity of the disease and the groups of people who are most at
risk of dying.
The preliminary fatality rate stands at about 1.4%, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). This will probably change in the coming weeks and months. It is true that fatality rate does tend to decrease as the disease spreads through the population, but the rate can also increase and there are a number of factors.
At the moment I am writing this, there are about 270,000 verified cases with about 102,000 either recovered or dead. That mean that there are about 168,000 cases that are ongoing. We don’t yet know how many of those will contribute to the fatality rate. Hopefully, that will be a small number. With so many unresolved cases, it leaves a lot of room for the fatality rate to change.
It is also true that the more severe
cases are usually reported while mild cases are under-reported. This
is the case for all diseases. For example, I have never tested
positive for influenza, but I am very certain I have had influenza
multiple times in my lifetime. So, the real fatality rates are pretty
much over-stated across the board. This is not some scientific
scandal, though. Scientists can only work with the numbers they have.
It would be impossible to accurately estimate how many people have
any kind of mild infection so that exact fatality rates can be
calculated. While not exact, having an idea of the severity of any
infection can give us an idea of what we are dealing with and the
best ways to minimize the impact of a disease.
Fatality rates can be different in
different groups of people. The initial fatality rates in China were
lower for Coronavirus, while the fatality rate in Italy is much
higher. No one knows precisely why yet, but it could be that the
first groups of people had a smaller percentage of individuals who
qualify for the high risk category. Another factor could be that
those individuals had a history of infection with other coronaviruses
and had some existing immunity because of it. Their immune systems
have been given at least a heads up instead of being caught off
guard. Whatever the real combination of factors, those infected early
in China experienced a lower fatality rate, and we have seen an
increase in that rate as it has spread across the globe.
In addition, viruses are notorious for
rapid mutation. Scientists have found evidence of at least two
distinct strains already, and there could be more as the epidemic
proceeds. There is no way to predict how fatal the various mutant
forms will be. Some will be more fatal and others less so. We see
this with influenza. The average fatality rate of seasonal flu is
about 0.1%. The Spanish flu from the 1918 pandemic had a fatality
rate around 2.5%.
The overall take home message here is
that even if the current rate of 1.4% is over-estimated, that number
is still cause for concern. Seasonal flu kills about 290,000 –
650,000 every year worldwide. If Coronavirus settles into a fatality
rate of just 1% and it infects a similar number of people, we could
be looking at worldwide deaths in the range of 3 to 6 million people.
Again, no one knows enough to say if this will or won’t happen. The
point is that the potential is there and should be taken seriously.
There are other questions, and I will
discuss more next time. In particular, as scientists are able to
investigate and gather more data, the information being reported is
changing. In the meantime, the World Health Organization (WHO) and
the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) both have sites
for information about Coronavirus and guidance for managing your own
and others’ risk. The links below are for each of those sites:
A parent’s life includes more than enough pandemonium. Every day, you face a gauntlet of kid-related tasks: school, activities, homework, and chores. We are not even mentioning the fighting, attitudes, and reluctance to walk away from any device with flashing lights and sound. Do not forget to nurture your adult relationships, whether it be with a spouse, partner, or friends. Oh, and you should find a minute or two to take care of yourself of top of it all.
Sound familiar? Then, I hope my blog can bring some peace to your crazy life.
I am a Mom to two wonderful small people who are now nine and eleven years old. My parenting philosophy is that I am working to raise two humans who leave my house as independent, capable, and thoughtful people who have the skills to make mostly good choices and face challenges when they or others around them make bad choices. I am definitely not going to be writing about how perfectly I do that job. I have moments of complete failure, but I also have great successes and every level of experience in between.
My strong suit is thinking things through, and my goal is to share those thoughts and the experiences that go with them. Parenting is absolutely not “one-size-fits-all,” so I know that what I have to say won’t be helpful in your situation every time. However, if I can offer help with any difficulty you face, I will feel like this blog is wildly successful.
With that in mind, if there are any topics you would like to see an article about, please write to me or put them in the comments below. In the meantime, I have a long list of topics lined up that reflect my experiences and the experiences of the other parents I talk with. I hope you come back to check them out.
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