Division

Last week, I watched as Trump supporters marched on the United States Capitol Building. I heard some of the speech made to the crowd by Donald Trump, and I saw the ensuing events unfold over the next couple of hours and into the evening. My kids have many questions, and I’m finding it necessary to do some serious reflecting before I start answering those questions. Maybe you’re like me and find yourself wondering exactly what to say to your kids about America and patriotism, Trump and politicians, conservatism and liberalism. You don’t have to move too far into these topics to start delving into ideals, opinions, values, morals, beliefs, and personality. It’s obvious the problems facing our country, that our kids will need to actively help solve if America is to survive, are complex and deeply-rooted.

The events and behaviors last week were shocking, but I can’t say they were surprising. The levels of division and hatred have been increasing rapidly for the past four years, but they were both there at some level for many years before Trump took office. There have been countless indicators of our political and societal problems for decades. Instead of working together to find common ground and solutions that bring our people together, we have allowed the division to grow into a gaping chasm. While special interests and corruption have absolutely played a tremendous role in this, we the people also missed opportunities to cooperate, make our leaders accountable for their actions, and become a stronger nation.

I certainly can’t tell my kids that they are able to solve these problems on their own, and I’m aware much of the desperation and anger people feel now stems from lack of control over our own situations and lives. As much as I would love to give them simple answers to fix the giant problems, I honestly can not do that. The best I can do is to help them develop skills to interact with those around them constructively instead of destructively.

1. Listen

The great ideal behind democracy is that we can solve problems through collaboration and cooperation, but this involves giving everyone involved in the conversation a voice. It’s clear to me that this very basic concept of democracy is not happening, and it became especially clear when one of the “protesters” stated in an interview that a riot is a group of people who feel that their voices are not being heard. I would begin my conversation with the kids by reminding them to listen. The man in that interview did many things wrong that are indefensible. He may well be charged with multiple felonies and imprisoned for them, but he had one thing right. We have a responsibility to listen to people around us. In any disagreement, the other person might be absolutely wrong, and you don’t have to like hearing their thoughts. You don’t have to agree with them. However, it is the height of arrogance and disrespect to behave as if your opinion is the only one that matters and you are always right.

2. Be Honest (With Yourself, Too)

That brings me to the second issue I want my kids to understand. Lying creates problems. The big issue that people were protesting last week is alleged voter fraud prevalent to such a degree that it altered the outcome of the presidential election. There have been lawsuits, recounts, and phone calls of questionable legality to change the results. In reality, there are some stringent protocols for ensuring election integrity. Could any of those have been breached? Of course. Officials have stated that there is always some fraud in every election, but is the fraud so widespread that the election result is incorrect? Obviously, one high-level group of people is lying. This, in itself, would be a major problem. When introduced into society that was already heavily divided, it resulted in catastrophe.

The past two presidential elections have both featured allegations of tampering and fraud. As taxpayers, we have a vested interest in the outcomes of elections, and no one wants to feel that the vote was unfair. This year, Trump supporters are unwilling to hear and accept explanations and assurances from election officials, even those from Republican officials. Dozens of lawsuits were either lost or dismissed by the court system, with judges of varying political background presiding over the cases. In 2016, many people felt that Russia had interfered and tampered with the election. However, ensuing investigations did not substantiate the claims that the election outcome was incorrect.

In the debate over the 2020 election, one of the opposing groups is basing their beliefs on something that is untrue. Unfortunately, all people are sometimes wrong. At the same time, people generally really hate to be wrong, and some will go to great lengths to avoid admitting a mistake. You can be an otherwise reasonable, kind, decent human and still end up believing something that isn’t true with a veracity that ultimately does damage. I want my kids to understand it is never to their benefit (or anyone’s for that matter) to feel so deeply they must be right that they are unable to even consider evidence which indicates they are wrong.

3. Your Truth May Not Match The Truth

Each of us has a personal truth that is fluid and changes as we mature. I would like my kids to know and embrace their own truth so that they can be genuine as they go about life. There are also external truths that we can refer to as material fact. These are things that are true no matter our own level of growth and maturity. For example: sometimes water condenses in the atmosphere and falls as rain. This is a material fact, and you can’t say a rainy day is actually sunny just because you have hard time handling rainy days. In an election, there is a winner and there is a loser. Sometimes your candidate will win and sometimes the other candidate will win. No is is happy with the outcome of every election, but feeling deeply that the outcome is wrong doesn’t make it factually wrong. I’m hoping my kids understand that when their personal truth doesn’t line up with material fact, they need to spend some time growing instead of being angry or making up falsehoods to explain away the mismatch.

4. Be Graceful and Respectful

Have you spent any time reading comments on facebook or twitter? I was doing that just before writing this article. The things people write to others are shockingly rude. Before you start dismissing the person on the other side of the keyboard as a horrible human being, let me share a quick story from my life. I have a neighbor who is a wonderful, generous woman. Her kids play with my kids and we exchange small gifts and goodies throughout the year. I’ve know her for over a decade, and she has never been rude to me on even a single occasion. I was astounded upon reading political comments from her on social media that were rude, judgmental, and dismissive. I don’t believe she is a different person online, but I do think that it’s easy for people to minimize the feelings of others and allow the worst sides of ourselves to come roaring out, especially when our interactions are filtered through screens and we can’t see the impact of our words.

My kids are on the young side for social media, but you can be certain I’ll teach them that there are real people on the other sides of those screens. Those people have vast differences in personal growth and life experience, and they all deserve to be respected. People are allowed their beliefs and opinions, and it is wrong to belittle others even when they are having trouble accepting material fact and being obnoxious, rude, or both. In reality, responding with cutting and degrading remarks will not help them understand or grow. Instead, they will only dig in deeper and likely become even more obnoxious.

Another major idea I want to convey to my kids is the damage of name calling. This schoolyard behavior is alarmingly common among adults who should have learned better before entering high school. The list of denigrating nicknames is endless, as far as I can tell: snowflake, sheeple, deplorable, libtard, repubtard, sleepy joe, diaper don. A cute or funny nickname for a close friend or family member that will give you both a laugh is perfectly acceptable. However, there are no benefits in calling other people nasty names.

Finally, I’ll remind them that a graceless winner is just as bad as a sore loser. When we play board games at home, there are obviously winners and losers. I’ve pointed out to them over the years that losing doesn’t feel good, but having someone rub it in makes it feel worse. We have much more fun when we can congratulate an opponent on a game well played and remember that we’ll have a chance to win another time. After all, it’s family time. Likewise, it’s important to remember that political opponents are ultimately all still on the same team. The officials we elect will have an impact on the lives of everyone. I honestly think it is counterproductive to even declare that there are sides in the first place. At the end of the day, we need our elected officials to work together.

5. Think For Yourself

In thread after thread of comments about election fraud, I’ve noticed one phrase presented to Trump supporters more than any other. Where is the proof of election fraud? This is a fair question. Further, I think the evidence would have to be clear and undeniable to overturn election results. Speculation and hearsay are just not good enough. Unfortunately, whatever media outlet a person happens to prefer is not good enough either. Media companies (yes, all of them) get paid more when more people consume their stories, and they are all getting paid far too much these days. The problem is, their stories don’t have to be even half true, and their concern for people ends where the money ends. So, what about internet sources? These are just as bad. Anyone can put anything on the internet anonymously, and falsified documents, pictures, and videos can be made to appear legitimate. There are few dependable sources of information out there.

I’ve been telling my kids for a while now they can’t just believe everything they see on the internet. As they get older and need access to more complicated information, I’ll continue to ask about their sources. They will be betting their grades and eventually their livelihood on the reliability of the data they choose to believe and use in their work. I’m hoping they will seek first hand information or at least obtain it from a person or organization they are certain is credible. Then I’ll ask them to take that information and draw their own conclusions. Discussing your ideas and comparing them with others’ ideas is great, but I hope they will make up their own minds.

6. You are Responsible For Your Actions

The people involved in unlawfully entering the Capitol Building last week may be facing very serious charges. At the very least, they entered a protected Federal Building against police order without security screening. They assaulted officers, threatened elected officials, vandalized the property, illegally accessed government computers and potentially sensitive documents, and stole mail and other Federal property. They are now at risk of being charged with insurrection, sedition, and/or treason for interference with official Federal business and trying to overthrow a democratically elected government. Worse, six people involved that day are now dead.

These actions were born of frustration and anger. It’s easy to see they truly believe the election was fraudulent. I don’t have any first hand knowledge, so I will make no assertions about the validity of election fraud allegations. In any case, the rioters felt deeply wronged, and they carried out illegal activities from a place of anger and frustration. The consequences may be very high and were, in fact, the highest possible for the dead and the families they leave behind.

Perhaps the lesson I hope to impart to my kids the most is that they will have the consequences of their own actions, whether good or bad, regardless of what has been done to them. It isn’t valid to do something awful and then point your finger at someone else, complaining about what they did or said that forced your hand. I know I’m not the only person taught as a kid that “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Later, I learned the quote attributed to Epictetus: “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.” Of course, anger is normal and I don’t want my kids to feel they aren’t entitled to feel that emotion. However, I will teach them not to act out of anger so they don’t end up getting into the kind of trouble the rioters are now facing.

The riots last week and the upcoming ones the intelligence community are warning of are deeply unsettling and highlight how drastically our country divided. Most people lives lives based on reasonable ideals, but greed and corruption are real. We in America seem to feel that if we fight, it is to uphold our righteous truths, but there is plenty of fighting for things that are untrue or unjust but that are simply profitable. It is critical that people start recognizing the corruption and not just failing to fight it but to work together so that it can be eliminated. For that to happen, the information we get must be evaluated critically instead of accepted or rejected based on feelings or wants. At present, it’s hard to see a way out of this level of division when people are turning to violence, but if we can be thoughtful and respectful of others, it’s possible. In the meantime, perhaps we can teach our children to work together better than we have so that they can prevent a similar crisis in the future.